


i clung to you, hoping we'd both drown

by itisjosh



Series: fo4 but it's mcyt [2]
Category: Fallout 4, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fallout (Video Games) Setting, Angst, Best Friends, Character Death, Crying, Gen, Heavy Angst, No Fluff, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Possibly Unrequited Love, platonic or romantic you can read it as either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28686840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: Someone once told him what dying felt like, and he hadn't believed them.Someone once told him that it felt like waking up from a long nap. Someone once told him that it felt freeing, that you could finally allow yourself to let go of everything, to let go of everyone. Someone once told him that it was like a million knives going through your chest at once, and someone followed that up with saying that it felt like suffocating. Someone told him that it felt like drowning, while others told him that it felt like fire coursing through your veins, burning you from the inside out.They were all wrong, Sapnap thinks.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: fo4 but it's mcyt [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2099001
Comments: 8
Kudos: 93





	i clung to you, hoping we'd both drown

Someone once told him what dying felt like, and he hadn't believed them. 

Someone once told him that it felt like waking up from a long nap. Someone once told him that it felt freeing, that you could finally allow yourself to let go of everything, to let go of everyone. Someone once told him that it was like a million knives going through your chest at once, and someone followed that up with saying that it felt like suffocating. Someone told him that it felt like drowning, while others told him that it felt like fire coursing through your veins, burning you from the inside out. 

They were all wrong, Sapnap thinks. 

It isn't painful. It's not freeing. It's nothing, there is nothing. Sapnap lays in his best friend's arms and he looks into his eyes, watches as the tears trail down his face, as his lips silently beg him to be okay. Sapnap watches Dream's hair fall over his eyes, much too long and soaked with blood at the roots. Dream's blood mixes with his own, although Sapnap knows that he's the only one who's really bleeding. "You can't do this to me," Dream tells him, his voice laced with fury and rage and hatred, and Sapnap knows that none of those things are directed towards him, no matter how much it feels like it. Grief intertwines with his friend's words, sadness and unrelenting hurt coating them all. "You can't leave me, not now."

"I'm sorry," Sapnap says back, not sure if he really is or not. It isn't his fault that he got shot. It isn't his fault that he was murdered. None of this is his fault. It isn't Dream's, either. They got unlucky. They got unlucky, and that's all. "You should go," Sapnap tells him, feeling blood trickle down the side of his face, pouring out of his mouth and landing on his neck, spreading down to his chest, mixing with the dried blood that's already there. "You can still run." 

"No," Dream whispers back, his tears falling into Sapnap's hair as he holds him close, his breath hot on Sapnap's face. "No, I can't. I can't leave you. I can't do that to you," he cries, though Sapnap can barely hear the stuttering, he can barely make out the choked sobs that threaten to break Dream's entire composure. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have been faster."

Sapnap knows that Dream is never going to stop blaming himself for this. Sapnap wishes that he wouldn't start, but he knows that he can't stop him. Sapnap knows that he can't stop Dream from hurting and grieving, he can't stop his friend from turning it on himself, for turning into a self-destructive mess. "Not your fault," Sapnap murmurs. "It never was," he breathes out, wincing when it sends burning sparks of pain up and down his body, throwing him into crippling waves of agony. "You couldn't have stopped it. We just got unlucky." 

Dream is silent for too long, and Sapnap knows that he's already starting to think, that he's already starting to hurt, that he's already destroying himself from the inside out. "I should have known."

"You couldn't have known," the words are familiar and easy to say. No matter what happened, Dream has always blamed himself for every single bad thing. He always blamed himself for everything wrong in the world, even if he was one of the only good things left that the world had to offer. Sapnap looks up at him, looks at his tired and sad green eyes, looks at his face, dusted gently with freckles. Scars cross over the bridge of his nose and his throat, leading down to his chest, though Sapnap knows that he has more, hidden where he can't see. "I love you," Sapnap tells him. It's always been easy for him to say the words, almost easier than breathing. Ever since he met Dream, the words just fell into place, clicking with ease. "I want you to find someone who loves you like I do." 

Sapnap isn't really sure if he's in love with Dream. He might be. It wouldn't surprise him. Dream is smart and handsome and clever, full of wit and charm and a certain type of charisma that made Sapnap's heart stutter. "I'm sorry," Dream shakes his head, a hollow laugh escaping the back of his throat. "I'm so sorry." 

"Don't," Sapnap can feel his energy draining, he can feel his heart slowly, slowly stopping. His thoughts fade and blur together, no longer being coherent enough to remember or recognise. He always thought that dying would be worse than this. That it would hurt more, that it would make him cry and sob and beg the world to give him a second chance. Dying is nothing like everyone said it was. Dying is nothing like he wished it would be. "Don't be sorry," he murmurs. "I don't want you to be sorry."

"I'm still going to be," Dream whispers. "I'm still going to be sorry." 

"I know," Sapnap does, he does know. He knows better than anyone. He closes his eyes, unable to look at Dream's grief-filled eyes any longer. He can hear his best friend bite back a cry, tightening his grip on Sapnap's arms, digging his fingernails into his flesh. He doesn't want to let go. Sapnap wishes that he had the energy to cling onto Dream, to drag him down to his own level. To bury his head in Dream's chest and cry, to beg the world for forgiveness, to allow him to have a second chance, to make things right again. "Stop being sad," Sapnap whispers. "I hate it when you're sad. Leave me with something good to remember you by." 

Dream breaks, and Sapnap wonders if it's because of the words or because Dream has finally realised that it's true, that Sapnap is going to die. "I love you," Dream tells him, his voice soft and strained. "I love you." He repeats, and Sapnap clings onto the words like they're the last thing he has, because if he thinks about it hard enough, they might be. He sits in silence, letting Dream hold him, letting his blood stain Dream's armour and his hands, feeling his heart slow, desperately trying to keep beating. 

Sapnap can visualise Dream in his head, laughing and grinning, his eyes shining in the pale sunlight. He can see them both walking throughout fields of dull flowers and grass, joking about something they had seen, something they had heard. He remembers them going and getting drunk at the Third Rail, he remembers them hunting together, building a life together. They had never planned on staying in one area for long, but they wanted somewhere they could come back to, somewhere they could call home, even if Sapnap had already called something, someone, somewhere, home 

He feels himself slip, he feels himself fall. Sapnap is plummeting, faster than he thought he could. He feels the wind rush in his ears, his heart pounding in his chest, warmth flooding his entire body, and then it's gone once again, replaced with freezing silence and chills. Dream's hands leave his face, going down to his hands, prying open Sapnap's closed fist so he can hold them. Sapnap smiles, forcing all of his energy for one last touch, for one last touch of assurance, of hope. 

He squeezes Dream's hand back, taking in a final, shaky breath. 

Dying is nothing like everyone said it was, Sapnap thinks.

It's easier.


End file.
